Funnies Page
Compiled (but not written!) by LLM
Go to the desired "rating" for the
desired funnies. See funny health articles with
a purpose here.
* * * * *
Family-Rated Funnies
The Mood Ring
"My husband, not happy with my mood swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would
be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good
mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it
leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next
time he'll buy me a diamond!!!!"
Potty Mouth
"My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of
the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush
in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it
in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for
a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out
with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with
a charming little smile, 'We better throw this
one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet
a few days ago.'"
The Rules....This
Time by Men An example: "1. I am in shape.
ROUND is a shape."
Show 'N' Tell
A little girl tells her class about the homebirth
of her baby brother, as only a little child could.
The Etiology
and Treatment of Childhood A hilarious look
at the "disorder" of childhood.
A Sad Passing
-author unknown
Please join me in remembering a great icon of
the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy
died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications
from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy
was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens
of celebrities turned out to pay their respects,
including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California
Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and
Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with
flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly
described Doughboy as a man who never knew how
much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business but his later life was filled with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart"
cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked
schemes. Despite being a bit flaky at times, he
still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll
model.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough;
two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus
they have one in the oven. He is also survived
by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
The
Teething Virus Very, very funny photo and
references about this "new infectious agent".
In Defense
of Breastfeeding and Wearing Socks Let society
concentrate on covering up the body parts that
really offend. This includes a hilarious
cartoon.
How to Read a Scientfic
Paper Tired of being befuddled by the big
words? Well- this will make those research papers
easier to read.
Things I've Learned
From My Children (Honest and no kidding!)
For example: "A 3 year-old's voice is
louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant."
The Playpen
Mary was almost crazy with her three young kids.
She complained to her best freind, "They're
driving me nuts!!! Such pests. They give me no
rest and I'm halfway to the funny farm."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the
kids from yourself."
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her
friend called to see how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said.
"I get in that playpen with a good book,
a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me
for hours!" -borrowed from Nursing
Family Magazine
Moms' Dictionary
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care
to order dessert.
FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children
the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge
of financial disaster.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby
doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're
mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children
are wonderful even though they're sure you're
not raising them right.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters
a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as
long as they do everything we say.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older
siblings.
PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other
small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier
by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier
by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child
wearing Superman pajamas.
TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns
red and she begins to make those familiar grunting
noises.
WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your
house.
"If you love something, set it free. If
it comes back, it will always be yours. If it
doesn't come back, it as never yours to begin
with. But, if it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your
telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear
to realize that you had set it free....... You
either married it or gave birth to it." -anon.
What I Can Expect
When I'm Expecting (which is always) is a
pretty funny column I wrote when pregnant and
happily miserable. (??)
Women's Anti-Stress Diet
This is a specially formulated diet designed
to help women cope with the stress that builds
up during the day.
BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup
of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss
AFTERNOON TEA
the rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with choc-chip topping
DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly
from the freezer)
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS "DESSERTS"
Send this to all the women you know or ever knew,
and you will immediately lose 10 pounds.
My
mother taught me... Wisdom (as it
were!) gleaned from our mothers.
How To Know If You Are Ready To Have Children
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.
Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave
it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (If Legos are
not available, you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom
or kitchen. Do not scream (This could wake a child
at night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best)
and take them with you as you shop at the grocery
store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything
they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff
into a small net bag making sure that all arms
stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway
with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout
cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls
of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios)
into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to
be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug
on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill
it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly
in water. At 8:00 p.m. begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag
and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick
up your bag, and sing every song you have ever
heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these
too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get
up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years.
Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN):
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to
the front of your clothes. Leave it there for
9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet
on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself.
Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the
head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child.
Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow
their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.
It will be the last time you will have all the
answers.
Saskatchewan "High
Tech" Dictionary Learn what floppy disks,
megabytes and hard drives really are.
American Proverbs
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash
and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole
house.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen... and this
kitchen is delirious.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.
Countless numbers of people have eaten in this
kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
Housework done properly can kill you.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and
cheap.
My next house will have no kitchen- just vending
machines.
No Husband has ever been shot while doing the
dishes.
"Heard
any good midwife jokes lately?" -jokes
written by a "midwifery widower".
Your Friend the Computer
You know it is time to reassess your relationship
with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to
go to the bathroom and stop to check your email
on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful
empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug
on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional
year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail
mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after
every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because
she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages"
and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest
friends because they have nondescript screen name
and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide
to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh,
you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this, you immediately copy,
paste and send it to a friend!
Microsoft Patent
Bill Gates is said to be patenting the numbers
1 and 0!
Mildly Naughty Funnies
Tampons and Cigarettes
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and
down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and
asks him if she can help him. He answers that
he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of
cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were
looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday,
I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton
of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of
tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is
Soooooo much cheaper.
So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO
DOES SHE!"
Proxy Fathers
Many say that this particular story makes them
wake up their babies and spouses with their howls
of delight!
God's Total Quality
Management Questionnaire as transcribed by
Daryl, Clerk of the Supreme Being of the Apocalypse.
His/Her Showering
A hilarious comparison between two unique showering
styles.
A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy
In a recent Harris On-line poll 38,562 men across
the US were asked to identify woman's ultimate
fantasy. 97.8% of the respondents said that a
woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at
once
While this has been verified by a recent sociological
study, it appears that most men do not realize
that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the
other is cleaning.
ARE YOU A BITCH?????
Some friends were sitting at the bar talking
about their professions.
The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you
know.... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful;
Intelligent; Ecologist"
The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you
know....Double Income, No Kids."
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...Rich,
Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What
are you?" She replies: "I'm a WIFE,
you now....Wash, Iron, F___, Etc."
A second gal answers their question before they
even ask it: "BITCH."
"So, just exactly what is a BITCH??????????"
They ask in unison.
B- BABE
I- IN
T- TOTAL
C- CONTROL of
H- HERSELF
So women, next time somebody calls you "Bitch"...
SMILE......and say "Thank you!"
The
Teething Virus By Howard J. Bennett, MD and
D. Spencer Brudno, MD. Check out the hilarious
footnotes. From Pediatr Infect Dis. 5:399-401,
1986.
A Pap Smear to Remember
In Melbourne, FL one of the radio stations
paid money ($100-500) for people to tell their
most embarrassing stories. This one netted the
winner- $300.
"I was due later that week for an appointment
with the gynecologist when early one morning I
received a call from his office. I had been rescheduled
for early that morning at 9:30 am. I had just
packed everyone off to school and it was 8:45
already. The trip to his office usually took about
35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a
little extra effort over hygiene when making such
visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able
to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs,
threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth
and gave myself a wash in 'that area' in front
of the sink, taking extra care to make sure I
was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the
clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in
the car, and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes
when he called me in. Knowing the procedure as
I'm sure you all do, I hopped up on the table,
looked over at the other side of the room and
pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place
a million miles away from here. I was a little
surprised when he said, "My...we have taken
a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?"
But I didn't respond. The appointment was over.
I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest
of the day went normal - some shopping, cleaning,
and the evening meal, etc.
At 6:30 that evening, my 4-year-old daughter
was getting ready to go to a school recital when
she called down from the bathroom, "Mom where's
my washcloth?" I called back for her to get
another from the cabinet. She called back "No!
I need the one that was here by the sink. It had
all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Important Facts
to Know For example: pigs have 30 mintue orgasms,
banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories
an hour....
Magical Elevator
An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a
mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and back together
again. The girl asked, "What is this, mother?"
The mother, never having seen an elevator, responded,
"I have never seen anything like this in
my life. I don't know what it is."
While the girl and her mother watched with amazement,
an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving
walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and
the man rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the girl and her mother watched
the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until the last number
was reached, and they watched some more as the
numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls
opened up again and a hunky young man stepped
out.
The mother, not taking her eyes off the young
man, said quietly to her daughter, "Go get
your father."
Winning in Relationships
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for
her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring beer.
New
Definitions For example:
Carcinoma - n. A valley in California, notable
for its heavy smog; Flabbergasted - adj., appalled
over how much weight you have gained; Negligent
- adj., describes a condition in which you absent
mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Women's Words
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day,
someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
Women over 50 don't have babies because they would
put them down and forget where they left them.
One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box
of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves
completely.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to
wear tight shoes.
The nice part about living in a small town is
that when you don't know what you're doing, someone
else does.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose
weight because by then, your body and your fat
are really good friends.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along
came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then
I regain consciousness.
I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs
kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose
on fire.
Amazing! You hang something in your closet for
awhile and it shrinks two sizes.
Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they
say things like, "You know sometimes I just
forget to eat." Now I've forgotten my address,
my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've
never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special
kind of stupid to forget to eat.
A friend of mine confused her valium with her
birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she
doesn't really care.
They keep telling us to get in touch with our
bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but
I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,
how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class
in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body
said, "listen honey!... Do it and die!"
The trouble with some women is that they get
all excited about nothing. (And then they marry
him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms
of stress are eating too much, impulse buying,
and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is
my idea of a perfect day.
I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret
is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their
stuff.
If men can run the world, why can't they stop
wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start
the day by tying a noose around your neck?
Pregnancy Q&A
For example: Q. Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A. Labor causes anything you want to blame it
for.
McDonald's Fast Food
Job Application For example: "DESIRED
POSITION: Reclining. HA! But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky,
I wouldn't be applying here in the first place."
Lewd and Naughty Funnies
The Thingie
There was a man who really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One
day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed
that he was tanned all over except his manhood.
So he decided to do something about it. He went
to the beach, completely undressed himself and
buried himself in the sand, except for his manhood,
which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach,
one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie"
sticking up over the sand, she began to move it
around with her cane. Remarking to the other lady,
"There's no justice in the world." The
other lady asked what she meant. She replied....
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I
asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When
I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot
about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing
wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat! "
About men...
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILISE
ONE EGG?
(because they don't stop for directions)
3. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
4. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)
5. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN
COMMON?
(they're intended for children, but men usually
end up playing with them)
6. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes
and they vapor lock)
7. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump womens' legs at cocktail parties)
8. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final
copy)
9. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
10. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET
SEAT DOWN?
(nobody knows, since it has never happened)
Astrology by Adam Sandler
Aquarius (Jan 23-Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to
be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make
the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid.
Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23- Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are
dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient
and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off
everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 - April 22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you
are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have
minor influence on your friends and people resent
you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence
and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23- May 22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
determination and work like hell. Most people
think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are
nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23-June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People
like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined
to expect too much for too little. This means
you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious
for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other
people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You
are always putting things off. That is why you
will always be on welfare and won't be worth a
shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23-Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Other people
think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies.
You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your
arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving
motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than
sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your
shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends
and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and
often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good
bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult
time dealing with reality. If you are a male you
are probably queer. Chances for employment and
monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores.
All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in
business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve
the pinnacle of success because of your total
lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch.
Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have
a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since
you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius
are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23-Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.
You are basically chickenshit. There has never
been a Capricorn of any importance. You are a
worthless piece of shit too.
Airplane Rest Room
A man traveling by plane urgently needed to use
the men's room. Each time he tried the door, it
was occupied.
The flight attendant, aware of his predicament,
suggested that he use the ladies' room, but cautioned
him against pressing any of the buttons marked
"WW," "WA ," "PP,"
and "ATR" on the wall.
Eventually his curiousity got the better of him
and, sitting there, he carefully pressed the first
button marked "WW." Immediately warm
water sprayed gently over his ass.
Golly, he thought, the gals really have it made.
Still curious, he pressed the next button marked
"WA." Warm air dried his ass completely.
This, he thought, was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large
powder puff which patted his bottom lightly with
a scented powder. Naturally, he just couldn't
resist the last one marked "ATR."
When he awoke in the hospital, he was very confused
and buzzed the nurse. As she walked in the door,
he cried out, "What happened? The last thing
I remember was I was in the ladies' room aboard
a plane."
The nurse replied, "Yes, you were, but you
were cautioned against pressing the button marked
'ATR,' which stands for 'automatic tampon remover.'
Your penis is under your pillow."
-author unknown
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