Postpartum Elation
-by Gloria
Lemay
"Let me know if I can help you in any way
when the baby is born." ... "Just let
me know if you need a hand." ... "Anything
I can do, just give me a call."
Most pregnant women get these statements from
friends and family but shy away from making requests
when they are up to their ears in dirty laundry,
unmade beds, dust bunnies and countertops crowded
with dirty dishes. The myth of "I'm fine,
I'm doing great, new motherhood is wonderful,
I can cope and my husband is the Rock of Gibralter"
is pervasive in postpartum land.
If you're too shy to ask for help and make straight
requests of people, I suggest sending the following
list out to your friends and family. These are
the things I have found to be missing in every
house with a new baby. It's actually easy and
fun for outsiders to remedy these problems for
the new parents but there seems to be a lot of
confusion about what's wanted and needed..
1. Buy us toilet paper, milk and beautiful whole
grain bread.
2. Buy us a new garbage can with a swing top
lid and 6 pairs of black cotton underpants (women's
size____).
3. Make us a big supper salad with feta cheese,
black calamata olives, toasted almonds, organic
green crispy things and a nice homemade dressing
on the side. Drop it off and leave right away.
Or- buy us a frozen lasagna, garlic bread, a bag
of salad, a big jug of juice, and maybe some cookies
to have for dessert. Drop it off and leave right
away.
4. Come over about 2 in the afternoon, hold the
baby while I have a hot shower, put me to bed
with the baby and then fold all the piles of laundry
that have been dumped on the couch, beds or in
the room corners. If there's no laundry to fold
yet, do some.
5. Come over at l0 a.m., make me eggs, toast
and a 1/2 grapefruit. Clean my fridge and throw
out everything you are in doubt about. Don't ask
me about anything, just use your best judgement.
6. Put a sign on my door saying "Dear Friends
and Family, Mom and baby need extra rest right
now. Please come back in 7 days but phone first.
All donations of casserole dinners would be most
welcome. Thank you for caring about this family."
7. Come over in your work clothes and vacuum
and dust my house and then leave quietly. It's
tiring for me to chat and have tea with visitors
but it will renew my soul to get some rest knowing
I will wake up to clean, organized space.
8. Take my older kids for a really fun-filled
afternoon to a park, zoo or Science World and
feed them healthy food.
9. Come over and give my husband a two hour break
so he can go to a coffee shop, pub, hockey rink
or some other r & r that will delight him.
Fold more laundry.
10. Make me a giant pot of vegetable soup and
clean the kitchen completely afterwards. Take
a big garbage bag and empty every trash basket
in the house and reline with fresh bags.
These are the kindnesses that new families remember
and appreciate forever. It's easy to spend money
on gifts but the things that really make a difference
are the services for the body and soul described
above. Most of your friends and family members
don't know what they can do that won't be an intrusion.
They also can't devote 40 hours to supporting
you but they would be thrilled to devote 4 hours.
If you let 10 people help you out for 4 hrs.,
you will have the 40 hours of rested, adult support
you really need with a newborn in the house. There's
magic in the little prayer "I need help."
Gloria Lemay, Vancouver, BC Canada 604 737 7063
August 2001
LLM responds:
"What Gloria says here is wonderful. Being
the mother of 7, I have been in 'postpartum land'
many times... and know intimately the loneliness,
stress, and sadness that comes with having no
one come to help you after a new baby is born.
Postpartum depression most certainly is not 'just
hormones'- it, in no small part, is being left
alone to deal with way too much way too soon after
giving birth... and also knowing that if you do
give in to the temptations of cleaning your dirty
house and doing that enormous pile of laundry,
you will exhaust yourself, bleed a lot, and lose
out on irreplaceable bonding time with your precious
newborn baby.
Not all women have the self-esteem or courage
to ask for help- to say they need some love and
care. So if you know someone who has just had
a baby- don't say to them 'call me if you need
me'- because they won't call. Call and say-
'I'm coming over to help this afternoon. Leave
the door open. Don't worry about meeting me at
the door or in the kitchen because I know how
important it is for you to stay in bed with the
baby. Don't worry about showing off the baby-
I'll have lots of time to get acquainted in the
weeks to come. Now don't be shy: please tell me
what you would like me to bring for you to eat,
and please tell me what you would like me to do
to help clean up when I come. I won't bother you
by saying goodbye when I leave- just rest. This
is the help I would have valued when I had my
babies, and this is the help I will give to you."
This will give her an enormous feeling of love
and nurturing- and putting her needs before your
own, and serving her with respect and humility,
will come back to you positively tenfold."
-LLM
www.birthlove.com
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