Responses to: "My husband won't let me
have a homebirth!!!"
Compiled by LLM
Many women find that husbands and partners can
be their biggest obstacles to planning homebirths.
Following is wisdom gleaned from many sources
regarding how and even if a woman should try to
change her man's mind about "letting"
her have the birth of her dreams.
For homebirth safety references, go to the Birth
Index page. For very convincing midwifery-related
articles written by MDs, go to Marsden
Wagner and Sarah
Buckley on the BirthLove site. For more about
reluctant fathers, go to Ronnie Falcao's gentlebirth.org site.
See BirthLove's Fathers
page as well.
Question:
"My husband is very reluctant to talk
about homebirth with me. In fact, he is almost
violently opposed to the idea! Every time I
mention it he gets angry- he says he refuses
to watch me or my baby die because of some nonsense
I read on the Internet. But I know inside that
I have to have a healing, peaceful homebirth...
my first two births were very interfered-with,
and I really feel the interventions were for
nothing. But my husband insists that they were
important, because the doctor said they were.
What can I do to change his mind?" -Cindy
Response on this page:
Responses linked from this page:
- A
Note from Emily's Husband to the ICAN Emai.l
List Emily had a home VBAC; this page includes
the birth story, and William's comments about
the birth- how powerful his wife is, and a note
to homebirth reuctant dads.)
- Stephanie
Coleman Stephanie learned from her own experience
how to "turn her husband's head" about
homebirth- she had one after a previous cesarean.
- Karen
Garrett This response doesn't directly address
Cindy's question, but answers it nonetheless.
Karen had an unassisted birth after a previous
cesarean.
- Ed Myers
A previously homebirth-reluctant dad shares
his voyage from doubt to trust.
- Kiley
Myers, who had two previous cesareans, talks
about the circumstances that helped her husband
Ed see the light about homebirth.
- Liese
Wilson shares how she trusted her homeschool-reluctant
husband to come to the same conclusion that
she had reached (she draws parallels between
home birth and home school).
- Linda
Hessel, writer and unassisted birthing mother
- Gloria
Lemay, private birth attendant
- Valarie
Nordstrom, mother of eight (four unassisted
births)
- Lorrie
Leigh, childbirth educator
- Jeannine
Parvati Baker, writer and midwife
- Jenn
Rynder, mom with three previous c-sections
who is pregnant and having a home VBAC
- Patricia
Jones, midwife and mother of eight
- Pam
Kleingers, childbirth educator, doula and
pregnant mother
- Dawn
Sweeney, writer and homebirth mother of
two
Responses
Susan Gill, DEM:
"Dear Cindy, If you can get your husband
to read it, see the following article- "Is
Homebirth for You? 6 Myths About Childbirth Exposed."
It is a very straightforward paper written by
Dr. David Stewart, and the facts speak for themselves.
Print it and ask your husband to read it and then
talk to you about it. I have used it for many
of my clients families who are "against"
homebirth. Good luck, and don't forget, YOU ARE
the one giving birth. The statistics are out there,
home birth is as safe if not safer then hospital-that
is an undisputable fact."
Sincerely
Susan Gill, DEM
Karen Ehrlich, CPM
Cindy laments her husband not allowing her to
have a homebirth.
I won't try to get into the issue of having another
person command what someone will or won't do with
her body. Your relationship is yours to live within.
But you can amass tons of information that shows
that homebirth is AT LEAST as safe as hospital
birth. There are over 100 research studies that
have been published in peer reviewed journals
that clearly show no compromise in safety by being
at home if the mother is healthy and the pregnancy
has been healthy. Get these articles and hand
them to your husband.
Pursuing the Birth Machine is written by Marsden
Wagner, MD. If your husband isn't happy with his
writings on the BirthLove website, get a copy
of the published book for him.
Michel Odent is a European doctor. He has written
several books. The Nature of Birth and Breastfeeding,
The Scientification of Love, Primal Health which
all have many references to scientific evidence
bolstering homebirth. Another doctor who wrote
in favor of homebirth was Robert Mendelsohn.
All of these books should be available through
your library."
Jessica
"My husband also had a similar reaction
when I announced we would not be giving birth
in a hospital. I didn't realize that while I had
been doing lots of research and had this big epiphany,
that he was still just thinking the normal western
way of doing things was the safest. He had no
good information. The key was to expose him to
the facts from the internet but also in books
(some people respond to books better at first).
There is so much that talks about the statistics
of the safety of homebirth. How can one argue
with that? It is also important to find a doula
or midwife that he considers and expert for him
to ask questions to. This advice may seem basic
but it can turn around most guys. My husband was
dead against my ideas about where we would give
birth and now he is more outspoken about it than
I am." Read Jessica's fourth birth story
here.
Fran
"Hi Cindy, I went through this same ordeal
20 years ago with the birth of my third child,
my daughter, Rachel. Like you, I knew a home birth
was necessary for my baby and myself. I was in
touch with the birthing community in my city (Syracuse,
NY) and trusted who and what I heard and saw.
My husband just wasn't interested in learning
anything 'new' and couldn't understand birth as
I did. He was in medical mode and since we had
suffered two very sad, late, miscarriages where
I was in danger and my babies did die, he was
not able to get past it and up to a new place
of hope and joy for this next child.
Talking to him wasn't making him budge. He would
not listen and said if I planned such a thing
he would walk out and of course, he wouldn't consider
paying a midwife when we had perfectly good health
insurance to cover a hospital birth. Well, when
it came down to what felt good and right, I told
him to leave me if he wanted knowing he would
certainly be back or else, truly, who wanted him?
I could never have the birth again so figured
to leave the stubborn dense unyielding man to
fend for himself.
I took all the money from my sons' little savings
accounts and it was just enough to pay my midwives
so I met with them and it felt so good, it was
all going to be fine. They, later, actually became
a bit unnerved when they met my husband and felt
he was a negative force in the home and made them
uncomfortable and afraid that he would do something
against them if they came for the birth. I had
to reassure them and beg them to please help me
and that he would do nothing to endanger them
in their work. Can you imagine how this felt to
me? It is very difficult to relax in a situation
like this but I had to keep forging ahead with
the plans for my child.
My sweet daughter was born beautifully and gently
into my own hands, at home, with her daddy right
there with us. There were 3 special midwives with
us (including Anne Frye), all of whom remarked
that they couldn't believe he was the same person
who worried them a few weeks earlier. Good women
that they are, they had trusted me as much as
I, them. It was right to believe in birth and
in myself.
Almost three years later, we joyfully gave birth
to my son Jordan, at home with a skilled and wonderful
midwife attending. This time, the midwife was
not at all worried and the daddy paid.
Good luck and blessings to you as you plan for
your birth."
peace, fran
Jules
"Hi Cindy, I encourage you to think about
and feel everything that comes into your consciousness
about birthing: your experiences, your expectations,
pain, happiness, fantasy, everything... knowing
your specific needs and eliminating what you don't
want requires careful planning... present your
ideas as NEEDS, discuss your needs with everyone
who will listen... it is you who will be in labor,
not your husband... his fear may be well intended,
but still is fear and that cannot help you in
labor nor in birth... my husband is also extremely
afraid of birth and said very similar words about
homebirth... I had one very messed up hospital
birth and two very ideal natural births [the last
baby was caught by my doula, next to the tub]...
with your strong ideas, clear communication and
sheer will, I believe that you will be able to
imagine and create what you truly need in order
to have a healing peaceful homebirth... although
changing your husband's mind may not happen...
you KNOW what you want, you CAN have it!"
Love, Jules.
Kelley
"We are trying to conceive now and my hubby
doesn't want to hear this homebirth nonsense and
for me I LOVE it, can't stop reading and learning-
ordering books from the library, reading on the
internet, it's just amazing. I think if my hubby
still has a problem with it that I may just birth
on my own and not tell him lol. I know how you
feel when you read these other births and their
hubbies have an active part in the birth, and
read and learn before the birth happens, makes
me sad. I am having a home birth whether he likes
it or not. This is my body and I'm the one that
carries it and is sick and gains weight and damn
it I will birth the way I want ;) good luck dear."
Kelley
xoxoxo
Response from Annette
Avery
"I'm 37, I live in the United States, I
have 5 children. I had 3 unplanned, unwanted,
unnecessary, "emergency" C/Secs, then
I had a drug-free VBAC in a hospital attended
by an OB. Then I had a perfectly normal, healthy
baby at home all by myself with no complications,
that came so fast I didn't have time to call any
of my birth team (none of whom were birth professionals,
but all of whom were experienced mothers who know
a lot more about normal birth than most OBs!)
I believe in being submissive to my husband,
and that I will be rewarded for my submissiveness
if I follow him even when he's wrong. But I also
believe that I can't follow him if he doesn't
lead out. When he's scared and hanging around
doing nothing, sometimes I am to lead out. That's
the way it was with this unassisted homebirth.
I told him I did not hold him responsible for
it in any way, I took total responsibility for
the birth. I didn't expect him to take the role
of OB or midwife or doula or coach or anything.
He was invited to be present if he wanted to unless
he brought negative vibes, in which case I'd kick
him out. If he didn't want to be there, that was
OK with me too. I told him all that at about 3
months pregnant. He was really OK with it.
I also believe that my husband is supposed to
love me by giving himself for me, that I not have
spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but be without
blemish; loving me as his own body, nourishing
me and cherishing me. Would he really want to
have his membranes stripped? Have a C/S? Have
birth rushed for no reason but a date that means
nothing medically? Is a C/S scar not such a thing
as a spot, wrinkle or blemish? Does he really
get it?
Having my husband read my version of my previous
births in my words in detail really impressed
him this last time- even after 12 years, and all
the talks and experiences we've had."
Read Annette's unassisted homebith story-
and be linked to her other stories- here.
Response from Jenny Hatch
"Cindy,
We have struggled with this problem in our marriage
since 1988. For me, reading Laura Shanley's book
Unassisted Childbirth in 1994 gave me the
courage to give my husband an ultimatum and tell
him that if he wanted to have anymore children
with me, we were doing it at home and alone.
This created a terrible rift in our marriage,
and we spent literally hundreds of hours fighting
about it. Every three months or so we would get
in this huge fight that lasted four or five hours
and would be yelling and trying to come to terms
with the birth issue (and the home school issue,
and the immunization issue, and a dozen other
issues). He finally came to the place where he
decided it was my body and he needed to support
me in trying to protect my body. He had also watched
me claw my way to two natural births in the hospital,
and cave after a three hour battle to a c-section
during my third hospital experience. He knew that
I had tried and that I could not have an enjoyable
experience in that environment.
He prayed for the last two months of my fourth
pregnancy that I would have a good experience
with our Unassisted Birth. He begged the Lord
for it to go well "for my sake". But
when things got hairy after the birth he called
911 and we had a transfer. That was so difficult.
It still is difficult as I am expecting baby #5,
and he knows exactly what I want to do. He is
supporting me right now in doing my own prenatal
care again, and I think deep in his heart, he
wants us to have a gentle couples birth where
it is just us with the baby.
We were completely traumatized by the treatment
we received by the "powers that be"
during our last home birth. Everyone from the
nurses to the social worker from social services
who came calling, stacked the fear factor up a
couple notches. But even so, I spend an hour every
day visualizing my gentle birth with my lover,
and no outside grief from anyone. We'll see how
it goes, I am expecting in the fall of 2002!
I have written an eBook called Elijah Birth,
How to Turn the Hearts of the Fathers (see
end). It's written for Dads who are feeling pressured
to have a home birth. After years of discussion,
argument, and late night heart to heart conversations,
I understand the issues and fears that face the
men who are married to women passionate about
reclaiming the childbirth experience for themselves
and their babies."
Jenny
Hatch
Mother of Michelle, Allison, Jeffrey, Andrew,
and the new little one
Certified Bradley Childbirth Teacher (8 years)
Birth Activist and organizer of the 2nd International
Husband/Wife Homebirth Conference
Author of A Mother's Journey and Elijah Birth-
buy
her books on her site.
From Marsden Wagner,
MD (read about him here):
"My answer:
I am a physician who, because of all the hype
about the dangers of childbirth, had become afraid
of birth (as are nearly all physicians) until
I had the opportunity to attend a home birth.
Then I discovered the true beauty of birth and
how midwives know what they are doing and prevent
most problems before they ever appear.
Try to get your husband to attend a home birth
with you. Nothing could ever be as effective as
such a personal experience." -Marsden
Note: for more about the homebirth that changed
his life, see "Confessions
of a Dissident".
From Faith Gibson LM, CPM-
founder of GoodNewsNet:
"I would suggest Henci Goer's books, 'Obstetrical
Myths Versus Research Realities' and 'The Thinking
Woman's Guide to a Better Birth'. I also just
returned from a conference where an American doctor
who was at one time the Director of maternity
care in western Europe presented a paper just
published in the International Journal of Ob-Gyn
on the dysfunction of institutionally-based obstetrical
care for healthy women [note from Leilah: Faith
is passing this on to me, and it will be up soon].
Also read the PhD study by Peter Schlenzka which
is linked to from our home page. [Jump to it
here.]
Also consider having a nurse midwife attended
hospital or birth center birth if your husband's
fear cannot be adequately addressed."
-warmly, Faith
From Jan Tritten- midwife,
and editor and mother of Midwifery Today:
"Read the homebirth issue of MT, which is
#50. It has all the research but all the sweet
stories as well."
[Jump to info about Issue 50 here.
Note from Leilah: Issue 50 is my favorite Midwifery
Today magazine ever- it is just beautifully done,
and full of amazing scholarly articles, as well
as touching photos and stories.]
From Laura Shanley, author
of "Unasssited Childbirth" and creator
of the Bornfree!
site:
I get this question a lot. Generally I tell a
woman who has a partner that is extremely resistant
to homebirth to work on him on a psychic/spiritual
level. Trust and believe he will come around.
If she believes in prayer, I encourage her to
pray about it. And of course, if her partner is
at all open to reading, I suggest she print up
her favorite articles to show to him.
If her partner never sees the light, and the
woman is convinced that having a homebirth is
the best choice for her and her baby, I encourage
her to find a way to do it without her partner's
support. I dealt with this question briefly on
this
page."
From Gail Johnson, certified
professional midwife, Eden
Song Maternity, Inc.:
"Many men are afraid of home birth, mainly
because they just don't know much about the birth
process to begin with. When a woman really wants
this and the man is reluctant I usually soften
the situation by suggesting that they just begin
prenatal care with the midwife of their choice,
read, take homebirth clases and see how the relationship
develops. I also point out that prenatal care
is no guanatee of a home birth, as something may
develop during the pregnancy that would rule out
having this baby at home.
The benefits of having prenatal care with a midwife
are usually obvious after just one or two appointments,compared
to what they both have experinced with an OB.
I point out to the husband that they as a couple
can at any time switch care or go to the hospital
and that a decision to be open to a new option
is not set in stone. It is very hard to make a
decision in one moment,if one feels like they
are trapped and/or comitted forever. This is not
the case for both the midwife and the couple.
One must become Involved to Evolve. Help the mother
wanting a home birth to gently ease her partner
into an exploration of the situation in a non-scary
way."
From Patti
Ramos- renowned childbirth photographer, childbirth
educator and doula:
"I often have couples in my childbirth class
where one is desiring a home birth and the other
opposes it.
With the case above it would be a huge task for
her to try and 'talk her husband out of his feelings.'
My guess is it would probably cause more anger
and hurt feelings.
If she could find a childbirth educator or someone
who is knowledgeable about childbirth to act as
a mediator and then request he join her in an
open, balanced discussion that would address their
different opinions.
I would say to them...
"Our medical society does a magnificent job
of convincing us that pregnancy and birth is DANGEROUS
and RISKY and therefore needs to be viewed as
an event which obligates us to be dependent on
obstetricians, hospitals, monitors and of course,
drugs.
Your husband's (partner's) viewpoint is natural
and normal amongst the majority of men/women who
care deeply about their wife (partner) and baby
due to the information they have been exposed
to throughout their life."
From Steve Cochrane- birth
activist, lawyer, husband of a midwife and creator
of the Virginia
Birthing Freedoms website:
"Obviously, she needs to get him to read
some of the 'nonsense' on the internet. She needs
to cite a few studies and introduce him to the
Jock Doubleday challenge [go here-
Jock is offering a $25,000 reward to anyone who
can prove that hospital birth is safer than homebirth].
If he's unwilling to even examine the evidence
that supports her concerns, she should suggest
that he is failing to uphold traditional wedding
vows to honor and protect her in sickness and
in health. Lesser degrees of insensitivity are
frequently cited as grounds for divorce in this
day and age, and lesser fools than he have been
surprised to find that their wives no longer value
their presence."
From LLM, author
of Resexualizing Childbirth and creator of the
BirthLove site:
"Read Dads and
Childbirth.and Imagining
the Father as the Mother.
In my experience with men, if YOU believe strongly
in your choices, they will follow suit. But if
you are wavering in any way, they sense weakness
and will 'put their feet down'.
It is crucial that women be strong- that we research,
connect, learn- our husbands will trust us and
our choices more if we come from places of knowledge,
strength and power. Men respect these qualities.
But if we waver, seem 'girlish' or needy- our
men will take the initiative.
Read the following articles for more about how
I grew the power to defend my rights and my choices,
not only with my husband but with everyone else
in my life-
My book is
an excellent source of power as well. And of course,
reluctant husbands can stroll through the BirthLove
site to learn about how dangerous medicalized
birth truly is. Good places to start are Rape
of the Twentieth Century, the Hospital
Birth Stories page, and the Health
Articles page.
Above all, women must stop asking doctors and
husbands for our childbirth answers. We must let
the 'nice little girl'gigs rot and stop asking
men for permission for us to become full women...
because they won't give it. We must claim our
womanhood for ourselves- and demand our autonomy
be respected.
No man gave me permission to be the voice that
I am. I created my space in my own mind, my own
heart- on the web- in the minds who listen. I
CREATE- I do not ask permission- I am what I am.
Many 'friends and family' are no longer in my
life because of this power I have grown... but
better a free woman than an insipid, wounded little
girl.
We must grow into the women we are intended to
become. And if that means life gets a little more
streamlined, then so be it." -Leilah
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